My claim to be love in action is nothing but pure truth. I consider myself a well rounded individual and my balance within is absolute. It doesn’t surprise me that I have the capacity to love a man just as much as I have loved a woman…but it has surprised some others lol. Oops…sorry, not sorry lol! To me, love is love. I understand that some people are only attracted to the opposite sex, the same sex, both or whatever other label society indicates, but it doesn’t mean that I follow that same path. I honor and respect all journeys and continue to nourish my own journey. I have always been attracted to both men and women. I’ve always known about my attraction but I didn’t know how to explain it to others without them assuming that I was just confused or that it was just a phase. Having spent the majority of my adult life with a woman until her passing in 2012, my journey to unveiling this root knowing with the world has been extraordinary. I feel so alive in every aspect.
When I lived in Hawaii (’85-’88), I remember being attracted to an older girl in the neighborhood and also being attracted to my sister’s male friend. I remember finding the female Hula Dancers just as intriguing as the male Hula Dancers. I was in tune enough to know the distinction between just thinking someone was pretty or handsome as we often do and actually being able to identify that I found them attractive on a romantic level. I was young, so I was confused on how to express my feelings but I was never confused about what I was feeling. I was never physically exposed to anyone that was openly “bisexual” in my youth, so I didn’t have that experience to help navigate my feelings. I had boyfriends in middle school and high school and all of those feelings that generated the relationships were true. Although there was other female attraction, I didn’t have the courage to journey through a same sex relationship until I met Carlleena though.
When people started asking me when I was going to start dating, it was like a foreign language! I would just reply that whoever wants to date me is just gonna have to show up on my doorstep lol. That did kinda happen, but anyway, I was not going out looking for love. I kinda felt like I would never love another woman like I loved Carlleena. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I know that what she and I had was unique and solid. I felt like I wasn’t sure how to build something like that again. I tried a couple times and those relationships were enlightening and awakening to this shift that has occurred. They were beautiful in their own light. They were part of my journey and I am forever grateful for the reassurance in my feelings and knowing. I’ll admit that I did lean toward just dating women because that is what presented and that is what I was used to…That is what my peers were used to associating me with. I put myself into a societal category and tried to strictly label myself as identifying with being a lesbian because that is the type of gender identified relationship I knew and experienced the longest. I’ve dealt with myself in that regard and in some part, in my journey, I felt that there was never going to be another love for me other than Carlleena. We were going to grow old together so I accepted the label. I knew (and Carlleena knew) that I wasn’t attracted to only women but I found myself struggling to express this as an adult. It got to a point where I knew I had to not care what others thought and honor myself , my journey and what only a few people in my life knew about me…that I truly am an equal opportunity lover 🙂
I have run these feelings into the ground, cried them out on the yoga mat, meditated, wrote about it and I am confident within my peace and knowing. If that makes you uncomfortable, then I believe you have some soul searching and ego clean up to deal with. I am attracted to what I receive from someones energy. I can easily find the physical attraction, but the energetic, dynamic, magnetizing attraction comes from the energy they exude gained by their own life experience. To me, that is divine and alluring. The untold story I have yet to hear as our eyes offer a window of insight, presents opportunity. I fell in love with Carlleena not because she was a woman, but because of all she encompassed, just as I am in love with Philip because of who he is, not what he is presented as in the physical. My dynamic and powerful connection to the universe is so magnificent and sometimes hard to express with words, so I will continue to express how I know best….by being love in action…by being Marcy Kaye…Warrior Goddess…Wonder Woman lol! I honor the spiritual connection that we are capable of in this earthly existence and I embrace all that God has planned. My love has no preference on gender. It’s only preference is honesty, laughter, understanding and reciprocity.
Love is Love!