Reunited Through Loss

I’ve been told that my love story with my husband is like something you’d see in the movies.  I’d have to agree.

He loved me before I even knew what love of the romantic type really entailed.  He was my childhood friend who became one of my closest guy friends in middle and high school. He was patient and honest, he could make me laugh and feel safe in his embrace. I remember him always being there as a protector of sorts.  Throughout school,  I grew to know that his feelings for me were more than just a friend although he never expressed it like I knew he wanted.  Our lives traveled different paths and it wasn’t our time to nurture a romantic relationship in high school.  Our sisters are best friends and although he and I had not spoken in 16 years, we kept up with one another through our sisters.  A few years ago, I prayed and manifested for a love that understood my dynamic life, honors my past, celebrates my present and enchants my future!   I did not expect that when this love finally made its way to me, that it would be my childhood friend, Philip.

The last time I saw him was when my mom passed away in 1999.  Fast forward to December 31, 2015,  his mom passed away and I knew I was going to her funeral to support Philip and his family.  His mom knew how he felt about me and I’m told that she always believed that he and I would end up together someday.  Philip and I probably should have gone to junior prom together but we didn’t.  He made me promise to come and see him before prom so he could see me all dressed up.  Even us going to prom together wasn’t meant to be because had we gone together, I might not have had the amazing journey I did with Carlleena and Val may not exist. Trust the Universe and your instinct.  I remember the look on his face when he saw me in my prom dress,  which is actually pretty close to how he looked at me when we got married. Even more so, I remember the look on his mom’s face as she watched us interact and I glanced toward her and smiled. She was a woman wise beyond belief with a heart of gold and a fiery spirit. She and I share the same birthday.

About two months before Philip and I reconnected, I wanted to date someone and when I asked if they would consider dating me, that someone said no.  I was surprised at his polite reply of No and his explanation because he had expressed years earlier that he could have seen us dating and being in a relationship. I saw it too but the Universe was working on us both.  I am grateful for his No.  I remember when I received a friend request from Philip.  I saw his picture and put my hand over my heart and said “that’s my Philip.”  I let him know that I would be there at the funeral.  I was anxious.  My heart felt as though it was trying to escape from the protection of my chest long before our eyes met!    For those that know me well, know that I am not the anxious type of person.  When I’m angry, it’s best to let me take a walk and know that when I reenter the room, I will be more of my calm, level headed self…but I don’t usually experience this level of anxious.  It was a foreign feeling.  On the solo drive to the funeral home, I literally had to pull my car over in the Piggly Wiggly  parking lot, get out of the car and walk around to calm myself down.  I think I actually asked myself out loud, “What is wrong with you, get it together Marcy!”  What I didn’t realize during that brisk walk around my car was that my spirit already knew what I was going to experience in the next half hour.

I delayed walking into the funeral home, sitting in my car pretending to look for something trying to distract myself from what the Universe designed.  The moment our eyes locked in the midst of this room filled with grief and pain at his mother’s passing, my world stood still.  It felt as though I was in a peaceful vortex full of emotion and memory and future visions somehow.  I knew at that moment in his arms that life made sense.  For the first time in so many years, my life made sense.  The boy that loved me so long ago…I still saw the love in his eyes as a man.  He felt like home, like all the things I ever lost have come back to me and were represented within him.  We were inseparable the next day and I hung out with him and his family until I headed back to Charlotte.

We talked to each other every night from that day on.  We spent the next 11 months taking turns traveling to and from FL and NC to see each other once a month.  We were engaged in March, we bought a house in September,  I moved to FL in November and we were married in January of 2017!  It seems like a quick transition to some, but to us, it couldn’t get here quick enough.  We both were so ready to start the rest of our lives together!  Although we celebrate the memory of his mom and the wonderful woman she was, today for us, we also celebrate the beginning of our romantic journey into our future.  Mama Sue’s passing brought Philip and I together.  When my sister, Becky,  told me what Mama Sue wanted me to know before she passed, I knew it when I locked eyes with Philip after 16 years of not seeing each other.  I now know he has always loved me Mama Sue…I know.  What a magical journey it has been!

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Hark Back

Like most people on the last day of 2018, I am reflecting on the year and setting intentions for 2019.  I had a hark back moment which returned me to the origin for a large chunk of my hurt this year.  I have grieved a friend who is still alive.  I am grieving a friendship that has ended or maybe has just hit a roadblock.  Whatever the outcome or finalization of this once deep and true friendship may be, I am letting it go.   The friendship is deeply rooted to my high school days and I honestly never thought it would be a friendship that landed where it has, at the end of this silent road.

This friendship is no longer an active part of my life and at no fault of no one in particular.  Well I guess maybe it’s perceived to be my fault because my friend does not support my decisions.  I don’t know but I’m no longer trying to figure out something that I cannot control. What I can say is that I’ve been honored in the knowing and crossing paths with this person and I wish them happiness and love.  Truly.  Maybe one day we will reconnect but I cannot hold on to the possibility of a maybe and rest assured in the knowing that it will flow like it once did.  I’m not certain that it can ever be the same again.  It is so very hard to say goodbye at the end of this road.

I’m excited for 2019 and growth in many aspects of my life.  I’ve got a few intentions written down so that I can turn them into a goal but I choose to keep those private.  I’ve never been a big resolution person.  I’ve always just wanted to grow and give more of myself each year and experience something new or different. Different, Better, More.  I hope 2019 brings you abundant love, happiness and good health.  Do something different, grow into a better you and give more of yourself to those that value your being.